just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
