the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
