i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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