Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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