My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
