i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
