I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
