After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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