NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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