There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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