I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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