my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
