yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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