maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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