if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
