dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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