you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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