I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
