shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
