I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize