I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
