blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
