What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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