i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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