he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
