Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
