I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
