sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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