I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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