kristin has been a bad kristin
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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