Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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