If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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