A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize