so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
