Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
