She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize