Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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