I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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