i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
