fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
