just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
