Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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