Three words: puerto rican gang bang
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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