I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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