So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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