1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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