she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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