I hate all girls vehemently.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
