before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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