tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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