At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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