god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
