Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize