How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
