THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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