he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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