Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
bring money and cleavage
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
